Nose-Rubbing Addendum

Commenting on the atrocities I mentioned earlier this week, Dave Lartigue coined what is easily the most versatile generic exclamation in the history of comics. No, not "Oh my stars and garters," not "Great Caesar's Ghost," it's far better:

He’s Kirby-teched Thor’s penis!
By Odin's Beard, that's beautiful. Check it out.

DC Comics You Couldn't Pay Me to Write: Aquaman

I love Aquaman. I really do. I don't know much about his character, except that for some reason he's faster than the Flash in the Justice League Task Force video game.

That's not entirely true. I know a bunch about Aquaman as far as powers go. I thought his portrayal in JLA: Year One was great, and I liked him in most of the regular JLA series, when he was there. I know his powers; I like the Peter David hippie hair, beard-and-hook look a little better than the short-cropped, clean-shaven orange-and-green garb. I liked the hook hand, but I don't miss it (kind of think he ought to grow the hair and beard again, it made him look more classically regal).

What I don't know about Aquaman is mostly his origin, and that's mostly because it changes so often. And because I've never regularly read an Aquaman series before (except Rick Veitch's, which was really, really boring). I don't know a whole lot about his personality, because it changes so often. I have ideas for what the character ought to be like, but I have absolutely no ideas for how to write him. I don't know what I could do to make him interesting to people. Sub Diego seemed like a better idea than "Sword," but I wasn't really drawn in by either (though I will be buying the next issue). I just don't know what I could do with Aquaman that would be new and exciting, I don't know how I'd pique my interest in the character, let alone anyone else's.

So, no offense to Mr. Curry, but you couldn't pay me to write him.

Superman's Fault? You bet!

We've already seen that Infinite Crisis is Superman's Fault (including Rann-Thanagar War and Return of Donna Troy). For that matter, so was Zero Hour, and consequently, Day of Vengeance. It's so ingrained into his character that even his clone is prone to berserker rages.

Now it seems that he's to blame for Civil War as well. Is nothing sacred? Torturing his own world, torturing poor Jimmy, Lois, and Batman isn't enough, so he has to torture the Marvel universe too? Is he just so egotistical that he can't let a crossover pass by unless he's to blame for it? Next we'll find out that he was behind Atlantis Attacks or Maximum Carnage or something, right?

God, Superman is a dick.

Happy Bloggiversary, Dave's Long Box!

What can I say about Dave's Long Box? Sure, he doesn't link to me (and that's something I think about each night as I weep myself into the dreamlands of slumberville), but his blog is fantastic. Should I link to Boob War Week? Or maybe the F*@% YEAH files? Should I direct you toward the first use of the THE PAIN! award (even if I liked that issue?)?

No, there's no need for that. All I need to tell you is that Dave's Long Box is Airwolf. In fact, it's one of the most Airwolf blogs around. Perhaps the most. I can always count on Dave for something hilarious, something thoughtful, or more likely, something both. I call that something hiloughtful. Thoularious. Something like that.

Simply put, every visit to Dave's Long Box is a F*@% YEAH moment. Here's to another year, Dave.

"Should...should I rub his nose in it?" Take 2

Marvel plans "Onslaught Reborn," a 10th-Anniversary return to the "Heroes Reborn" Universe featuring Jeph Loeb and Rob Liefeld.

No. No.

No! Bad Marvel! Bad! Look what you did!
This is why we can't have nice things.

Yes, another bowels-shattering dead-horse-flogging in the Mighty Marvel Manner! Or to put it another way:

'Nuff said.

Superhero Limericks: Day 1

Scipio has Haikuesday, where he searches for the Eastern poetry in word bubbles and caption boxes. We here at The Fortress of Soliloquy have decided to rip off perform an homage to Scipio with make a similar feature: Superhero Limericks.

I've been doing limericks a little on my other blog, and figured I might as well try my hand at them here. I'll warn you, though, these might be a little more risqué than the typical family-friendly content here at the Fortress. Head below the fold for the today's two, the first set of what should become a weeklyish feature.

There once was a fella named Kent.
Folks called him a mild-mannered gent.
But when trouble arose
He took off his clothes,
And, nude, to the jailhouse was sent.

That one's pretty tame, I admit. It's mainly to balance out this one:

Tora was one in a million.
She's Icelandic, and not a Sicilian.
While @#*!ing with Bea
She said "Look at me!
I finally got a Brazilian!"

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Edit: I neglected to mention, feel free to share your own takes in the comments section.

Read More!

"Should...should I rub his nose in it?"

No. No.

No! Bad DC! Bad! Look what you did!

See, this is why we can't have nice things.

Happy Bloggiversary, Absorbascon!

The Absorbascon is celebrating its one-year anniversary today. It may not come across much here, but I admire Scipio and the Absorbascon beyond words. When Scipio makes his occasional appearances in the comments section here, it's like I've been visited by some great blog god. One of the blogtheon has descended from Mount Bloglympus to grace my unworthy site with their presence.

See, I'm an English major, and I have a near-obsessive fascination with literary heroes. Thus, when I first encountered Scipio's Dynastic Centerpiece model, I had a literarigasm. I wished I had come up with it. I spent the next several weeks trying to come up with something half as perceptive and meaningful and intelligent, and naturally failed miserably. So I must live in awe of Scipio, one of the finest blog-minds out there. I know I can count on the Absorbascon to make me either think, laugh, or marvel at Hal Jordan's cranial fortitude. Keep up the fantastic work, Scipio!

Wow, these Bloggiversary posts are easy and fun to write. Hm...April 11th, July 20th, September 9th, and December 13th look like good dates, at least for a start.