Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Guest Post: Heroes of Conservatism

My good friend Jon Maxson has penned a guest post today in response to the upoming jingoistic and laughably out-of-touch neo-con comic maxi-series "Liberality For All." I plan on writing my own thoughts as a follow-up in the next couple of days. Enjoy!

Sean Hannity: Superhero. Ok that just sounds weird. But it’s the concept of the new conservative comic book “Liberality for All,” a right-leaning adventure meant to give young conservative readers a role model in the world of comics. Hannity too, seems to be a strange pick. Why not Bill O’Reilly or Ann Coulter? My guess is he’s the only one who would wear the tights. I say, why make new comics when, with just a few minor modifications, children can already learn the joys of conservatism from already existing comic characters?
Superman – From now on, Clark Kent is the only conservative columnist on the Daily Planet. His liberal co-workers mock him for his views but love Superman, thus proving the media bias. Crazy liberals. Doomsday’s name will be changed to Rapture, and Superman will welcome him with open arms. In one great storyline, Karl Rove leaks Batman’s secret identity to Kent, who publishes it and then spills his guts before a grand jury to avoid going to jail. Kent then loses it, swears on air and walks out of a live CNN broadcast.
Wonder Woman – Wonder Woman is flattered by her powers but chooses to not use them, staying at home and not interfering with a man’s world.
The Incredible Hulk – The Hulk enlists to go to Iraq where he is accidentally killed by friendly fire. In order to make their war seem more heroic, the government lies to Hulk’s family about the cause of his death.
Batman – Gotham City’s concealed weapons allowed Dr. Thomas Wayne to defend his family during an attempted mugging. His son Bruce grew up and started several businesses, which all failed and were finally bought out by his father. He loves guns.
Robin – Robin is responsible for Sept. 11.
J. Jonah Jameson – He stays pretty much the same.
X-Men – Every so often, God just decides to change people into mutants. All references to evolution are deleted.
Captain Planet – He is still called Capt. Planet, but now allows for twice as much arsenic in drinking water.

1 comment:

Psychbloke said...

'Captain Planet – He is still called Capt. Planet, but now allows for twice as much arsenic in drinking water'

And he absolutely refuses to ever acknowledge that he might be feeling a bit hot and stuffy thesedays.....