Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Here there be solicits

Ahoy, ye landlubbers! Today, we'll be checkin' out the nastiest, deadliest crew o' black-hearted curs e'er t' sail these seven seas.

RAAAAWK! Solicitations!

Whazzat, Polly? Aye, aye, ye be a right fine bird, ye be. That's what I gets f'r list'nin' to Toungeless Pete. Like me parrot says, we'll be checkin' out the nastiest, deadliest crew o' black-hearted covers e'er to go on sale in a Winter that'll chill ye right to the bones. Yarrrrr.

First, on the starboard, we have the DSea books. P'raps there'll be a tale or two about the blue, briney deep, to read 'round the coals come nightfall, yarrrr.

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?Batman #660-661: Yarrr, John Ostrander be a fine writer, but that blackguard Mandrake makes me eye bleed, an' me empty socket glad it's empty. I'll be puttin' the black spot on this arc, mark me words.

Under his buccanhat!All-Star Superman #7: There be nothin to dislike about that Frank Quitely fella, an' that Grant Morrison be one crazy scallywag. I'll drop me doubloons f'r this'ne.

What's a buccaneer?Superman #659: Yarr, a haunting image that be. Reminds me of me own fearless, faithful mutt, lost to me when I was but a pup m'self. A vitamin deficiency took 'im, it was, but 'e was the finest scurvy dog e'er to roll in th' filth on the beach.

Too much to pay for corn!Action Comics #846: Mightn't this here be the new Zod? The beard's a fine choice, but th' John Waters moustache be makin' him look like a lily-livered dandy.

I saw a pirate movie the other day.Supergirl & The Legion of Super-Heroes #25: Yarr, well that be spoilin' the surprise a bit, eh?

Avast! Off the port bow, that be the French clipper Le Marvel! Men, prepare for boardin'! We'll keelhaul the men and ravish the women!

What? What d'ye mean there's no women? Wherefore?

There be no women 'cause there be no women? Now what kind o' answer be that? Yarr, this be gettin' us nowhere. Let's send 'em all to Davy Jones an' plunder the solicits t' fill our pockets!

It was rated 'ARRRR'!Ultimate Spider-Man #103: There be nothin' to hate about this book. 'Tis a shame Beardless Bagley's walkin' the plank so soon.

A pirate walked into a bar with a captain's wheel stuck down the front of his pants.Sensational Spider-Man #33: Shiver me timbers, that cover be uglier than a bearded sea-hag! Cast it back t' th' murky depths with th'other foul, soulless hellspawns!

The bartender said 'Why do you have that captain's wheel in your pants?'Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #11: Yarr, 'round here Nextwave missed the mark more'n a blind Spaniard with a curved cannon, but this be a fine cover.

The pirate replied 'Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts.'She-Hulk #14: A Greg Horn cover with nary a lass on't? 'Tis a strange sight to behold, aye, but nae so strange as Andy's giant head.

Yarrr! A fine haul we pulled in t'day, lads. Plenty o' booty to go 'round, wi' nary a Frank Miller page in sight. Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!


Anonymous said...

Umm, yarr, according to the last Wizard (please, no comments on that) that's the redesign of Jor-El, not another new Zod.

Tom Foss said...

Really? Bearded Jor-El? Interesting.

This shows, of course, that I don't read Wizard. This is not something about which I am ashamed.